Thursday, April 16, 2009

Some things come this close to sucking

You know how something almost happens and by the grace of God it doesn’t? Like maybe when you get this close to getting in a car accident, but at the last minute you don’t?

Well, last Thursday morning on my way to work I was walking down the concrete steps from my apartment in my cute new 3” platform Steve Maddens that I showed you a few weeks ago and I almost went flying. I mean, had I not grabbed onto the railing at the last minute, I would have tumbled head over heels like a friggin’ cartoon character. Except I wouldn’t appear unscathed in the next scene. No, I’d be the woman in the commercial yelling, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

You know how when someone falls, you want to laugh but you know you shouldn’t so you bite the insides of your mouth and try to pull yourself together enough to clear your voice and say, “Are you okay?” with a straight face? Well, I’m not even sure my little spill would have been funny. Like I might have ended up with months of rehab, and I’m not talking about the type of rehab where you sit in a circle with a bunch of entertaining characters with colorful pasts. I truly believe I came this close to being messed up big time.


So earlier this week, one of my blogging buddies, Fragrant Liar, wrote a cute post about her adorable little grandchildren and vacuum cleaners, which brought up a not-so-adorable memory of your friend Linda Lou. (Don’t worry, there’s a connection between these two stories.) You know how you all loved hearing about my embarrassing episode at Panera Bread? Well, here’s a little tale that came this close to being in my Top 10 of “Was My Face Red” moments.

Years ago, I want to say this was in the early 90s, I bought a new vacuum cleaner. I kind of knew it was kind of a piece of crap, but I figured it would do the job, and it did. For maybe a week or two. Then one day it didn’t suck. I must have had company coming or something (because why else would I vacuum?) and I remember being really pissed. And like my mother (and father, too, now that I think of it), the nanosecond something doesn’t go my way, I fly off the handle and start in with “Jesus Christ, what the hell… [fill in the blank].”

So I’m having a friggin’ meltdown. I’m on the phone bitching to the guy at Sears about this goddamn piece of shit vacuum I just bought a week ago and why the hell can’t they make anything decent these days, blah, blah, blah…” and the guy says, “Why don’t you check the hose? Maybe something is caught in there and is plugging it up.”

I answered with something like, “Check the hose? What I am, a friggin’ mechanic?” and then he said, “Well, bring it in and we’ll take a look at it.” I hung up and though I was this close to schlepping the thing across town, somehow… all by myself… I figured out how to take a little piece of the vacuum apart and checked the hose myself.

Yep, I was this close to watching a retail clerk at Sears pull out… my little black lace bikini underwear. This close.


Julie D said...


Note to self: Be careful running the vaccuum at LL's in 36 days. Especially if she's buck naked at the time.

Anonymous said...

hahahahaha great post! I have to admit even reading it I laughed out loud! I have a serious problem with laughing when other people hurt themselves lol
Great post! thanks for my morning laughter!

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

Linda, You continue to kill me, girlfriend. It's a wonder I'm still alive. I wonder who would have been more embarrassed if you'd brought in your vacuum cleaner? You or the (lucky?) guy at Sears. That would have truly been a Kodak moment.;-)

Anonymous said...

omg omg... how embarrassing would THAT have been to have them pull the black panties out. Next time stuff the red panties up the hose.

The Blue Ridge Gal

C.Thurlow said...

So funny...I am still laughing at the idea of the "what if".

Stephanie said...

Ha Ha Ha. Are you kidding? That would have been great. Well..a great story for the repair guy to tell :)

Hurricane Mikey said...

Man, how could you *not* notice the vacuum cleaner pulling your drawers off?!?!?

Musta been some kooky shiat going on in the bedroom that day...

CarmenSinCity said...

Oh my god - that's so funny girlfriend. I would have loved to have seen that!!

Hey- I tagged you. I just realized that you did a tag a few days ago - sorry about the timing. I hope you get a chance to play along with mine.

I miss you. Let's get together soon.

travel girl said...

That would so be me!!

Bar L. said...

OH MY GOSH! I am so glad you're okay!!

I think it would have made the day of the guy at Sear's if he was the one that got to pull out the little black panties - he would have had a great story to tell his buddies :)